GAYLETTER

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

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Hey Bitch, I have strong feelings towards my friend, like really, really strong. But I feel he’s too good looking for me and probably not interested. This happens to me a lot actually. My question is, do I make a move and if so, how do I do it? Halp!

Hey Jennifer Aniston, a very wise Carribean crab once said: “It don’t take a word, not a single word, go on and kiss the girl.” Make the move. Now, a simpler person might immediately suggest full on makeover to attract this guy, but I think this is more complex than that. If you’re anything like me, still waiting on that tax refund and can’t quite afford an upgrade to bad bitch status, try overcompensating with making bolder moves. For instance, have you tried grabbing his dick yet? Try that. Still feeling too basic? Turn out the lights when you grab his dick.

In all honesty, I find that the people that have the most rewarding dating pursuits in life are those that give the least amount of fucks. It’s a goal, really. I went on a few dates once with this dude that used to stare himself down in the reflection of any and every reflective surface, like he wanted to fuck himself. We’re talking pursed lips, squinty eyes, like it was a MySpace photo. In his varied and persistent attempts to make himself “sexy”, I found him unfuckable.

I think you’ll find most people are attracted to others that have the least hangups over their own appearance. Don’t get me wrong, you do still want to give something in the vicinity of a fuck in regards to appearance. After all, no one wants to date a human trash receptacle. You get what I’m saying, just make sure you brush your teeth and always wear clean underwear just in case. Look, it comes down to this age old adage: most good looking people are never good in bed, because they never had to be. So grab his dick and don’t get hung up on the looks.

Hey Bitch, I’m currently dating someone who, on Facebook, states he is in a relationship with another guy, yet he never mentions his boyfriend (that I know he lives with). I really like him but I don’t know what to do! Bitch, help!

Hey Helen Keller, Do you really want to see or hear the truth? I love it when tourists get pissed off at cabs that are obviously off duty or taken. “Check the light!” I always scream in my head. It’s basically that analogy we’ve all heard “guys are like cabs”, except I’ll do you one better and say “guys are like guys”. If a dude goes on a social media network, and announces he is “in a relationship”, he’s probably boo’ed up so you need to calm your coochie right down. I swear, these days shit does not get more real than a relationship status update. Even my mom knows that the relationship status is basically the first thing people update when they break up so as to not ward off any new dick. She called me on it once. I’m so single my Facebook doesn’t even have that option, but enough about my infinite sadness.

Let me get truthie for a moment. Are you sure you guys are even “dating”? There’s a really good chance he’s just super friendly/dense, and doesn’t realize you’re thinking there’s more to this. That’s the thing about dating, it’s like a pancake. No matter how flat you make it, there’s always two sides to it. It doesn’t sound like he’s on the side you’d hope he is. The only thing you can do is ask him what the situation is. You’ll never know unless you address the question…so ask the bitch.

Hey Bitch, I’m a young, boyishly attractive, successful guy, recently seeing someone a bit younger than me. We’ve only fooled around twice, and he slept over once, but he refuses to go further than third base. He says he wants to wait because he likes me, but he’s still a bit aloof. I’m beginning to get insecure about the situation. Is he a good guy or am I a bad slut?

Hey Ye Olde Slut, I haven’t heard the term “third base” used in forever. Maybe once in a black and white film or in “Back to the Future 3”, the one where they traveled way back in time to the wild west. Are you sure you’re young? I ask because I think you may just be set in your slutty ways, and maybe he’s just still learning what’s comfortable for him? You’re not a bad slut, you’ve just been programmed on “auto-slut”.

Let me explain. All young people are works in progress, I should know because I am one. Case in point, I find most people my age or younger don’t yet have concrete preferences or speed when it comes to dating or sex. Maybe they date, maybe they sleep around. They find out what they like, and what they don’t. Then one day they grow up and their settings are fully molded out of bits and pieces of all their past sexual and dating experiences, conjoined and splotched together like a big slutty Frankenstein. Essentially, you’re like a “young, boyishly attractive” Frankenstein that just happens to be programmed a certain way. This doesn’t mean you can’t ever change it up.

In short, you should calm your coochie. Where’s the fire? Give him the time to get comfortable around you, because he’s likely being honest about taking things slow with someone he genuinely likes.