GAYLETTER

GAYLETTER

ILLUSTRATION BY DEVIN WALLACE

ASK A BITCH #4

Dating advice from a real bitch

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

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Hey Bitch, I am in a predicament of sorts. I was seeing this guy for about 3 months, and we made some… movies together. Well, we recently ended it, and it wasn’t on the best of terms. We have a lot of friends in common, and now I’m a bit concerned about where these videos might end up… The weird thing is that this is not the first time this has happened. I have been filmed numerous times during sex, and probably have at least ten floating around out there. Should I stop? How many sex tapes crosses the line into “not normal” in your opinion?

Hey Simon Rex, Well, you’re in a fucking pickle aren’t you? You should probably never film a sex tape.

I think that’s like part of the D.A.R.E. program these days, or basic sex ed curriculum in elementary school since the 90’s. I even think my first camera phone came with specific instructions to NOT film a sex tape. Dirty pictures I can understand of course, those are a necessary evil in many cases, but there’s nothing quite as embarrassing as a moving picture. I will never fully understand why people film sex tapes this deep in the game. They never really end up where people want them to. Also, where exactly do people intend for sex tapes to end up? I always wonder if people sit back with snacks and watch them again? Together? Alone? Is there a file of them? What’s it titled? “Despair”? Most people hate hearing themselves in voicemail recordings alone, but you’re really smelling your own pee pee huh?

Did you know Hulk Hogan has a sex tape? He leaves his bandana on the whole time. I’ve heard… The Hulk has a sex tape. And I don’t.  Considering that, maybe you’re on to something. I actually asked my friends about your question, and 2 out of 4 say they’ve filmed a sex tape before (that’s half of my friends!). So either I run with a small crazy wolf pack of sluts, or everyone is doing it.

My advice to you is to go with what you know. Amanda Bynes is a perfect example in this case. Ms. Bynes used to maintain the appearance of a straight-laced teen star, then really started showing her ass when she got her drivers license and learned about brown liquor. These days she is living in her truth, and looking crazier than cat crap. Sex tweeting Drake with pink hair, getting her cheek pierced, and driving her cars like you film your fuck tapes, however and whenever she feels like it. There’s no need for you to worry about where these videos might end up, because what’s done is done. Young hearts run free, never be hung up.

 

 

Hey Bitch, I recently went on a first date with this guy I met at work.  We went to dinner, which was great. I had a few beers there with our meal, then we went for drinks at a local gay bar afterwards. The problem is, I got really drunk and don’t remember much else about the date, except for the fact that we didn’t go home together. When I asked him if he had a good time, he says he did, but it also seems like he’s avoiding me at work now. Really awkward. What should I do?

Hey Blackout era Britney, Easy solution: Don’t shit where you sleep. First off, why are you dating someone from work? Is there anything more unattractive than bringing work into your bed? No. I should know, I continue working from the time I get home until the time I fall asleep with Murder She Wrote playing in the background. Attractive, right? Save yourself, keep it out of your bed. Secondly, why bring sand to the beach? Why are you bringing someone you’re legitimately interested in to a gay bar? That’s where you take someone you want to get rid of. Have you ever been to The Cock? That name… The Cock is the only place gayer than Disneyland, except at The Cock you know for SURE you are going to get molested by a pedophile in a long bathroom line.

Listen, because I’m seeing a lapse in communication between the two of you, I’d suggest sending him an email if you feel really strongly about this. PLEASE DO NOT SEND THIS IN A WORK EMAIL. In the end, if it doesn’t work out the way you planned, at least you’ve got a drinking buddy that makes sure you get home ok.

 

 

Hey Bitch, I have a question for you. Depending on the Supreme Court ruling are you ever going to get married?

Hey you old nosy bitch, I am optimistic about the Supreme Court ruling, and the chance to FINALLY get married one of these days. …. As I type this alone, lying to you, wine drunk from bed, in sweats eating caramel popcorn FROM JANUARY.

Come with me for a second, to a world where gay marriage is legal across the board. Sometimes I feel like New York, or any other major metropolitan area for that matter, constantly conditions people to be in a race to be the best version of themselves in the shortest amount of time. I guess that’s what they mean by “rat race”. It’s not a bad thing at all, but it can also be exhausting. Sometimes you want to be you, in slow motion. That’s when I start looking at marriage in a beautiful light, a chance to just float a long comfortably. So let’s say I moved to Minnesota tomorrow, I know for a fact I would be married. Any of us for that matter would have a date in 3 hours, and be married within 24. I wouldn’t be able to stomach it, personally, because Seamless.com doesn’t service Minnesota. There was a point during Hurricane Sandy where I  almost didn’t eat for a week because Seamless was down..

Back to this fictional marriage… So you’d maybe accrue like 3 dogs, a house, and maybe even a kid (frightening). It changes like that. Marriage is like sky diving. As much thought as people like to say they put into the choice, you know they feel like they’re diving. They’d have to. Why do anything that’s boring of your own volition? Many people fail to realize that marriage, like anything ever that’s ever existed, changes. Also, I always equate the conventional picture of marriage with kids involved. Literally. How empty are family photos without kids? There is something really creepy about them. Family photos of all adults look like police line ups to me. The idea of small kids in general scares the shit out of me. When I hold them I feel like I am going to drop them. When I speak I’m afraid I’m coaching them to be potty mouths. When they stare in my eyes for too long I feel like they’re going to steal my soul, like cats do. Basically having kids, to me at least, is like watching someone run with scissors 24 hours 7 days a week for at least 18 years of your life.

Anyways, right now I am just a gay guy, in the future (pending a Supreme Court ruling) I am going to be a spinster gay guy.  That’s surely going to warrant my mom calling me upwards of 3 more times a week to question me about every guy she sees on my timeline. But I do want the opportunity to fail just like everyone else (I want to have fun too!). If anyone else feels the same way, hit me up, we can be single together.