GAYLETTER

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer the most pressing questions on the minds of our readers. Send yours to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

Q: Hey Bitch, I’m dating a guy who wants to have a threesome to live out his fantasy of double penetrating a guy (me). I’m scared, how should I tell him I don’t want to do it? I don’t want him to think I’m boring and stop seeing me.

A: Sup Slut Pig, Have you ever seen The Human Centipede? Neither have I, but that freaky deaky shit sounds an awful lot like The Human Centipede. Who the fuck is your boyfriend? A mad scientist? Do you have a picture of him? Listen, the sex world in 2013 is the same shit. Everyone trying to pull all these sassy ass stunts to prove they aren’t boring. You know what’s actually sexy in 2013? Normality. Like, different isn’t even exciting anymore, I want to see more normal shit. That gets me hot. It’s kind of like new gadgets being invented today. Nothing actually worthwhile gets invented these days, because if it’s any good someone’s already thought of it or ruined it for everyone (thanks 10 year olds with Grindr).

Does your mad scientist bf think he’s like cornering the market on double penetration?? Wake up, your boyfriend is passe’, not you for respecting your hole(s). Dump him and date like Doogie Howser instead, he’s normal as fuck I hear he’s gay too.

Q: Hey Bitch, I’ve been dating this younger guy for a few months and every time we go out I end up paying for everything. I don’t mind so much, because I know I make more than him, but am I getting taken for a ride? How should I approach the issue?

A: Hey Inadvertent Sugar Daddy, depends on where you’re eating. Are we talking like a cheap eat? Or like Outback Steakhouse ‘Bloomin’ Onion appetizer’, ‘No Rules Parmesan Pasta’, and ‘Sweet Adventure Sampler Trio’ for dessert? Is he putting out at least? I always make a point of buying my own Outback Steakhouse meal simply out of principle if I do not plan on putting out. If he doesn’t have any shred of self respect or decency like I just exhibited above, then maybe you and I should be going out instead.

Q: Hey Bitch, I can’t seem to ever meet anyone. Where’s the best place to find a boyfriend?

A: Hey Lonely Bitch, a wise black woman on TV once said “Everyone knows that the only people ever actually looking for a boyfriend are those that never had one.” Most boyfriends kind of just happen unannounced, like that recent meteor shower over that Russian village Chelyabinsk. Which, I’m sure looked so attractive at first, like a searing twinkle in the sky, but then suddenly shit hits you like a ton of bricks. Literally. I mean you can always force it by going on tons of staged “Bachelorette” type dates via websites like Okcupid, Gay.date.com, or any other number of terrifying leper colonies off the internet highway.  But then you risk constantly spending time with people even lonelier than you sound like you are. Seriously time consuming, like having a real live version of Chatroulette. Except you can’t hit the next button, for someone more interesting like a fun tranny or horny 18 year old boy in Ohio. Instead you just sit there like idiots eating chips and salsa waiting for Chris Hansen to come from behind the curtain and rescue you from this fucking creep.

Anyways listen, boyfriends usually suck. Do you even know how taxing having a boyfriend is? They can be like a walking, talking curfew that make you put out even when you just want to watch Roseanne and go to sleep early. They can also be rad, like one boyfriend I had bought me Chipotle gift certificates for every major US holiday for an entire year. I mean, IDK, try Chipotle?