Ask a bitch #6
Dating advice from a real bitch
Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.
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Q: Hey Bitch, my boyfriend goes to a school in another state, we’re in a long distance relationship and he’s very old fashioned and monogamous. We’re taking separate Spring Breaks—he’s going to Florida, I’m going Berlin. Do I need to tell him that I’m going to fool around while away (I don’t think he’d like the idea) or just go for it, have fun and keep it my own little sexy secret?
A: Hey Spring Breaker, “Sexy secret”… Jesus, take the wheel. Actually, Jesus be a tall glass of Jim Beam to get me through this fuckery. This question’s been sitting in my inbox for a few weeks now, because I’ve had a lot of shows to watch. Spring Break’s obviously come and gone, but I’m still going to talk my shit…
Short and sweet: You’re a real mess. What you need to do is take all that money you’re saving for your European sex tour and just go down to Ft Lauderdale on a dime to be with your kin—hanging out of the sunroof of a Honda Del Sol, making booty calls on your Metro PCS phone, pussy popping without a purpose. You’d probably join a wet tee shirt contest for a free month’s supply of Ramen, huh?
Since when is being monogamous “old fashioned”? It’s all about how you view relationships, and right now you’re treating this one like a plastic seat cover. I always say honesty is the best policy, so just be honest with this dude, let him go and let him find someone who’s going to be completely honest with him. Spring Break forever, bitch.
Q: Hey Bitch, I daydream about killing my ex and his loser friends, but mostly my loser ex. Normal?
A: Hey Lisa Left Eye Lopes, Totally normal, join the club. Let’s kill him (I’m kidding please do not kill your ex). You know, everything I ever learned about breakups, I learned from “The First Wives Club“, “She Devil“, and “Kill Bill”. It’s all about goals. I recommend you study them like I have; you’ll learn there’s a ton of totally underhanded and legal ways to slowly pick away at an ex’s sanity. Oh the many nuances of shade!
Use his Netflix instant view account constantly, even if you have your own. He’ll start wondering how his recommended films seemingly shifted from crime tv dramas to sentimental dramas featuring a strong female lead. Watch one episode of “Glee” and his preferences are officially fucked for good. Also, maybe find time to call his work pretending to be him, and quit.
Involve your friends, because it’s no fun if the crew can’t have some. Sign him up for a minimum of 5 random mailing lists a day (both email and snail mail). Friends can do it too. Whoever has the most submissions at the end of the week drinks for free. This is an actual game.
Are you a female? I ask because sometimes when my friend Nolan and I get bored, we text “I’m pregnant” to random numbers, but that’s a faceless joy. I imagine one of the many benefits of being female is that you can FaceTime that experience to get a really funny reaction out of him. May not have the same effect as ours… But at least you can screenshot his reaction at that “sike” moment, and show it to all your friends? That’s got to be like the female version of the Maury Povich “you are not the father dance”, right?
Sure these are all fun alternatives to exact revenge, but in the end you’ll find that spending all your time hating instead of healing doesn’t leave much time for actual living. The ultimate revenge is actually way less involved than all of that. Remember, the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
Freak of the Week
This week’s freak is rapper/actor/dancer/gambler/
