GAYLETTER

Ask a Bitch #10

Dating advice from a real bitch

Ten Reasons Being Single Is The Best

10. Not having to pretend to like your boyfriend’s lame friends. Or your boyfriend.

9. Literally having hoes in different area codes and blaming it on jetlag most of the time.

8. Summertime.

7. Drinking alone.

6. Not having to share pillows and having the bed to yourself forever.

5. Not having to share any meal ever.

4. Waking up hungover to a completely untouched box of pizza at the foot of your bed in the morning and not having to EXPLAIN A THING.

3. Sending shirtless pictures to guys for attention.

2. You get to be sad and happy at the same time, all of the time.

1. Mostly drinking alone.

Q: Hey Bitch, I am currently “dating” a NYU student who recently graduated…and by dating I mean non-stop texting, Snapchatting, Vine-ing, Instagram commenting, etc…Yet when I bring up the notion to meet up IRL he disregards. Why would he humor me digitally if he has no interest? and to put it in perspective Bitch, we were texting all day yesterday and I was like, “tonight I’m going to gym then I have nuthinnnn to do. We should meet up?”. Then he all of a sudden STOPS texting me… Cut to 3 hours later he sends me a Snapchat of him getting off the L. YET CLEARLY IT WAS NOT TO SEE ME! What should I do?

A: Hey Cyber Slut, Remember that insanely insane astronaut lady in 2007, Lisa Nowak? Well the story goes that she was so madly in love with another astronaut she was hooking up with, that she basically drove 900 miles/5 states from Houston to ~~a giant trash barrel~~ Orlando wearing a wig, trench coat, AND DIAPERS (so she wouldn’t have to stop), all in an attempt to put her hands on the other bitch he was seeing, IRL. She had her car stocked with a 2-pound drilling hammer, black gloves, rubber tubing, and plastic garbage bags… Can you even? I mean, in a trenchcoat, Party City wig, and diapers at Epcot looking like a fucked up Carmen Sandiego on bath salts. Amelia Earhart meets Amanda Bynes. True story. As crazy as that seems, it’s a level of commitment rarely exhibited in today’s dating world. And the thing is, she probably has never texted or Snapchatted a day in her life, she, literally, goes the distance. That is a true romantic.

So you ask, why he would humor you in digital form without any desire to actually manifest any of this into actual physical activity? In my opinion, most people are a little too confident behind screens today. People meet, date, have sex, and break up over texts. And isn’t that depressing to think about? I live for an old fashioned breakup where one person is uncontrollably sobbing in a public restaurant while the other is making hushed pleas while everyone else in the room is pretending not to eavesdrop. Even if it’s taking place at a crowded bar, I just respect someone more today for facing another actual human being and opening something up rather than cutting off IM responses. Sorry if I’m getting truthie, because I’m about to get truthier…

I can tell by the fact that you deem this “dating,” that you grew up in chatrooms.

And I mean, who has not at this point? The issue here is that I’m not even confident this guy would text you to “break up” with you? Seeing as he doesn’t text you back to hangout in the first place… He sounds like a psycho, because who lives out their ENTIRE life through their phone? He’s too comfortable dealing with you only through a screen. He’s probably one of those weirdos that hops into a yellow cab and DOESN’T immediately reach to turn off the touch screen television that automatically plays on loop. He probably legitimately enjoys the programming, sick fuck.

Look, only you can set the precedent for what you will and will not tolerate as an acceptable form of communication for new booty. In my opinion, this guy will never drive 900 miles in a diaper to kidnap someone to get closer to you, so keep it moving.

Q: Hey Botch, theres a spot under the tip of my dick that my boyfriend keeps trying to touch wen we fuck. the problem is when he touch it I cum like right away. he keeps going right for it and I think he just wants the sex to b over fast. is he over me? i love him and i like to fuck. Help bitch. U seem to know about sex.

A: Hey Fixer Upper, Listen, I can barely understand you, but I think you might have a bitch confused with someone else? I’m going to direct you to here. Ask for a Ms.Rosetta Stone while you’re there. Tell them a bitch sent you.

FREAK OF THE WEEK

This week’s freak is John Hamm, but only when he’s wearing sweatpants, sweatshorts, cargo pants, linen pants, doctor scrubs, etc. Seriously, fuck his accolades, his many thespian related achievements, Don Draper, his charity work. This summer is ONLY about creating a Google alert for “John Hamm walking”. That’s it.