Relationship and dating advice from a real bitch.

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: Take it away bitch.


Q: Hi Bitch, I have been on a few dates with this cute 26 year old guy I met recently. He’s cute, charming, and I think things are going well. Recently though, I brought him back to my apartment for the first time after a really great evening out. Things were going so well, I was sure we’d continue to have a great time now that I got him up to my apartment. After a few minutes of being in my apartment however, he began making comments about how he felt my home was “so gay”. He began poking fun at everything from my itunes music library (Kylie, Miley, etc), to my bedspread, to a harmless chalk drawing above my bed of a man in a suit dancing. I guess I was a little taken aback by this, and lost any desire to hook up that evening, though I still did. The weird thing is, he plays a totally submissive role in bed. I’ve been on two dates with him since, but now I’m noticing more and more things that are irking me about him. He makes fun of gays that wear tank tops, refuses to drink any alcohol but beer, and he says he still makes out with girls “occasionally”. Bitch, should I just try to overlook these characteristics in him?  Before I started dwelling on these aspects of his personality, I was really into him! Am I being an overly sensitive drama queen in this situation and over-thinking this? Please help.


A: Hi Doormat, you know what’s “so gay”? When your dick was up his butt. That’s as gay as it gets really. Question: He’s been to your apartment, but have you ever been to his? I ask this because I bet he doesn’t have any mirrors in his. Perhaps if he did, maybe he’d realize how gay he looks regurgitating that nonsense perpetuated by the kind of people that are so uncomfortable with the idea of “gay”, because it is something they clearly don’t understand…And then five minutes later putting a dick in his butt. Jesus, take the wheel.

Listen, you are not being overly sensitive when someone is standing in YOUR apartment, shading your personal possessions, and dragging their thinly-veiled self hate all over your personal space. There is so much trash in this world (both human and object), so the few things you do find in life that are personal treasures, you should never allow someone to make you feel shameful about them. The rent is too damn high, and life is too fucking short to have someone making disparaging comments about things that are of value to you, and then expecting to still get the D afterwards. To be honest I can’t believe you didn’t kick him out after the first comment, but I know how difficult it can be to get clueless homophobes to take a hint. In my opinion, you should’ve just started blasting Miley Cyrus, I find that usually clears a room.



Q: Hi Ask A Bitch, I was a talking to a good friend who said I should reach out to you. So here’s my dilemma. I joined a gay softball league 4 months ago and quickly become close with a team member. However I don’t know if he just sees us as friends or something more. We text every day and have inside jokes. It’s to the point that other people on the team have commented on how we act like we are dating. We never act flirty or kiss, except once when out and drunk and never talked about it. I actually act so awkward around him because I don’t know how to act. When we went away as a team, he called that we would share a twin bed but then we kept inches away from each other. At one point I walked away alone to go watch the fire works for the 4th of July and shortly after he was by my side watching with me. We make plans all the time and I am starting to fall for him. Not sure if it is one sided or not? Am I reading into too many “signs”? He is the heart throb of the team and every hot guy is after him. It kills me to see it and would learn to be ok with if I knew I was just his friend.

So Ask a Bitch, what do you think I should do?


A: Hi Lauren Conrad,

I’ll tell you what, crushes are like an Intervention marathon. They can all at once be the best thing in the world while also being the most absolutely dismal. Crushes can get you out of bed in the morning and make you give a shit about something. Within a five minute time frame, you go from enthralled to wanting to die. It’s like when you wake up and have a massive Bangover (when you experience similar side effects to a hangover, but from sex instead of alcohol), but it doesn’t really matter because you’ve got a smile on your face the whole day. On the other hand, they can often be the quickest eye opener to the fact that someone doesn’t give any shits about you or your feelings. You’ve realized they’re the best person you’ve ever encountered, and now you’re just waiting for them to come to the same understanding about you. It’s like when it’s pouring outside and you’re running to a parked car, and you finally get there, but the person with the keys is still a mile back. I know how it feels when you’ve got one person on your mind, and it seems like everyone else has the exact same person in their sights. It’s like constantly realizing you’re at the end of your rope, and they’re just at the beginning of theirs.


Don’t feel bad about interpreting signs, isn’t that what dating is supposed to be? It’s meant to be confusing most of the time, I’d actually begin to worry when it stops making you think. I’ll tell you what any anger management teacher will tell you though: You can’t control people’s actions, only your reaction to them.  What I’m getting at is that you’re obviously more stressed than happy about the uncertainty of this setup, and you either need to go deeper in this or climb your way out to see that. There’s a strong possibility he’s completely comfortable living in questions. You’re becoming unnerved by this and he’s gliding by. He’s not acting overtly flirty, because he already has you right here, he feels comfortable having you, lying next to him in a nasty twin bed on a baseball trip and no chance of getting to first, second, or third base. Please.


The only thing I can think that would help you out of this hole of uncertainty is a seismic shift in your relationship. If you don’t want to ruin the chances of a long lasting friendship by being too upfront too soon, then my suggestion to you would be to put the scarcity principle into practice. The scarcity principle works much like scarcity in the area of economics. Simply put, humans place a higher value on an object that is scarce, and a lower value on those that are abundant. Get lost, date around, delete his contact info in your phone (if you don’t trust yourself not to text him daily). You don’t need to be an asshole about it, but what you DO need to do is enjoy your remaining 2 months of Summratime. Summer is baseball season, but it’s also making out with every cute guy season. Do not look back at this magical time and only have sad memories of being a Lauren Conrad (the complete opposite of a bad bitch, read: not a Kristin Cavallari) lying in a twin bed with blue balls. BAD BITCH > SAD BITCH.




This week’s freak is Officer Mendez aka Pornstache from Orange Is The New Black aka the best show on Netflix right now. I don’t care what anyone says either, I am feeling a certain kind of way bout this one. There’s something about his type of Crazy that gets me. As the arch villain, he’s the biggest dickhead, harassing and cat calling the inmates, manipulating, and generally just being America’s biggest turd behind Kim Kardashian, so I can’t believe I have not dated him yet. Totally terrified to see what he looks like without the mustache. Though sometimes I am tempted to Google that, but also worried about killing the magic of this week’s obsession.