ILLUSTRATION BY DEVIN WALLACE
ASK A BITCH #15
Relationship and dating advice from a real bitch.
Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: firstname.lastname@example.org Take it away bitch.
Yes, I realize it’s been a real minute since I last updated you all. I’ve been so distracted by the typical Summer fuckery that’s it’s been hard to pin down just one thing to bitch about. And I know it’s not just me. An entire city’s vision gets a little hazy with the endless barrage of BBQ/cigarette/illegal smoke sitting on top of us all for 4 months. Sweaty bodies at endless parties, fogged up eyewear from long humid days that roll into long humid nights. Guys appeared hotter than they were because I think I was looking through a salt water filter for most of it. I don’t think anyone was thinking straight for most of August anyways. This summer I have eaten my weight in Cheez Its (really pushing for a sponsorship), floated in the ocean week after week petrified by a morbid fear of being stung by jellyfish (basically spiteful plastic sandwich bags full of venom), on and off dated a waiter/actor (I know right) that may or may not be a compulsive liar (more on that to come). Each morning I’d lie in bed staring at my ceiling while my entire bed vibrates with the buzz of my insane landlady blasting someone named Daddy Yankee while cleaning her Mazda outside my window. Every morning. In a green Ricky’s wig.
Seasons change, obviously, and as Summer draws to a close I’m looking forward to seeing everyone return to their usual frigid, closed off selves. I think in Summer you get to see so much of people that it’s refreshing to go and hide under the covers for awhile. Fashion Week not at all included, Fall is really my season. No more shirtless zombie bums sitting on my lap on my morning commute, and schools are back in so I am no longer dodging toddler devils loitering every street corner. Also, I get to wear pants again. I enjoy Fall because I can trap unsuspecting boys into thinking I’m hot by covering myself up again. Like a walking and talking fox trap, covered in dead leaves, cigarette butts, and a bunch of bullshit.
Anyways, enough about me. Let’s answer some questions.
Q: Hi Bitch, I’ve got an issue that’s been on my mind for the past couple of weeks. I started casually seeing this guy about two months ago. Like I said, it started very casually from a hookup, but we’ve been spending some time together ever since. I am starting to get closer to him and I think we’ve got a mutual understanding that this can be something a little more than casual as time goes by. He’s attractive, smart, has a great job, and I’m having a good time being around him more and more. There’s only one problem, his best friend. Let’s call him Andrew. Andrew was there the night that I first met and hooked up with my guy, and even from the very start was really shady to me. He hadn’t really warmed up to me during out first meeting, and it’s gone downhill ever since. I see him giving me side eyes, making rude comments about me under his breath, and I’m pretty sure he’s telling the guy I like how much he doesn’t like me. To make matters more awkward, another friend of theirs told me they once hooked up. I have been nothing but nice and accommodating to this guy. I mean, I added him on Facebook a month ago and he still hasn’t approved me. I am even considering inviting him to an upcoming birthday party at my home, just to even further extend an olive branch.
I want the guy I am seeing’s friends to like me, but this is too much. I don’t want this to affect my new relationship with the guy I am seeing. What should I do? Am I being foolish for not saying anything? Am I being too much of a nice guy and not enough of a bitch? Can you help me out?
A: Hey Birthday Boy, Yes. That was a lot of questions at the end, but yes. Yes to all of them.
It sounds to me like Andrew is in love with the dude you’re seeing. This type of outward aggression is totally symptomatic of his jealousy for whatever connection you’re building with his best friend/love interest. Hater.
He sounds like the type of asshole that insists on having the window seat on an airplane for the view, but sleeps through the entire flight. These are the worst types of bitches. They want to be with someone, but are too chicken shit to own up to their feelings and make a move on the person that’s supposedly important to them. Shit or get out off the pot! Instead they spend their days attached at the hip of their crush like an ornery dog tied to a chain link fence, growling at any person that walks by and desperately pissing on everything in an attempt to mark their territory. Usually people that act this way look like dogs anyways, and are pretty dark inside, but they rarely do any harm. In the end, Andrew’s all bark and no bite, because he doesn’t even sound like a smart psycho. At least if he had friended you on Facebook, he could’ve stalked your every interaction with his best friend like most haters do.
So I’m not sure what you’re worried about here? In this situation, if the guy you’re seeing was ever legitimately into his best friend, he’d probably just be with him. Have you never seen “My Best Friend’s Wedding”? They never win.
Are you more concerned over the fact that this guy just doesn’t like you? I can’t relate. Tons of bitches don’t like me, it’s nothing. I can’t stand when people are like “We don’t get along”. When in fact, it’s like, no you just like me, I don’t give a fuck about you. So, my advice to you is to ignore this fool and focus on your new relationship. I’m messy though, so I’m also going to advise you to invite Andrew to the party you mentioned. Please also make sure to invite 20-30 of YOUR own best Andrews to even out the playing field and let the fun begin.
Q: Hey Bitch, Sometimes when I’m having sex, my vagina makes a noise like I’m passing gas. What causes it, and how can I prevent it? I feel like a weirdo, is this normal?
A: Hi Windy Williams, Whew. Yes, it’s completely normal! I know for a fact, because after consulting with almost every female I know, this is actually a pretty common occurrence. I’m going to make this really quick and to the point, because I know a lot of people are likely reading this on their lunch breaks. That noisy emission you’re referring to occurs when air gets trapped into your hot pocket during rigorous sex. The best way to stop it from happening would be to have your dude slow down a bit. In my opinion, you’ve got nothing to really be embarrassed about in this situation, when he’s the one acting like a fifteen year old pounding you like a jackrabbit.
But seriously, have you really never heard of a “queef”? What middle school did you go to? Anyways, yea, you’ve not got anything to be concerned about in terms of the noisy emissions coming from your undercarriage. What I am concerned with right now is your cluelessness about your own body parts and the functions they serve. Do me a favor and watch this informative video below. Bring a pen and pad (no, not that pad), take all the information in, and call me in the morning.
FREAK OF THE WEEK
This week’s freak is Jordan Catalano from My So Called Life. Or Travis from Clueless. Or Dylan from 90210. Or Ted.
I guess the main theme I am getting at here is unmotivated-slacker-stoner-drop-out-assholes that no one should be dating. Which weirdly makes them so much more appealing. Guys like this are like bad fucking smells. It’s like when I was a kid and was really obsessed with the smell of gasoline fumes. Or when my mom would make me wait at the nail salon with her while she’d get her acrylics touched up, I would go around opening every nail polish color bottle to smell the difference (there is no difference). It’s an acquired taste I guess, and the whiffs are not so bad in small amounts, but constant exposure over time will definitely have you fucked up and confused. There’s something about teenage dirtbags.