ILLUSTRATION BY DEVIN WALLACE
Ask a bitch #2
Relationship advice from a real bitch
Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.
Q: Hey Bitch, I’m a girl, and my boyfriend has so many gay friends; works in fashion, is well groomed, but still seems to enjoy fucking me. I always have an inkling that he might be gay though? I get a weird vibe when he is around his friends, but maybe he’s just very comfortable. How do I know for sure?
A: Hey Jada Pinkett-Smith, In times of doubt, a crazy black lady once said “How will I know? Just trust the feeling”. Seriously though, when you guys fuck does he always want to do it up the butt? Does he look at you? Why does he have SO many gay friends? What you need to do is leave that man alone, he sounds gayer than yellow on a Sunday. For real.
If you still need further proof, I have a solution. Do his laundry, and examine his underwear, they’re probably briefs, huh? (side eye). If his undies have skidmarks on the back AND the front, he’s gay as shit. Literally OW OW OW. NEXT QUESTION!
Q: BITCH. I wanna move in with my bf of almost a year but how do I know if it’s the right time? A lot of our relationship has been long distance but the time we are together is magikalllll. PLZ HALP.
A: Sup slut, Space is a funny thing, and arguably the most underrated factor in every relationship. The space between the two of you seems to be working well already. A messy white woman once said: “absence is to love what wind is to fire“. Meaning: if its a small fire the wind will blow it out, but if its a big fire the wind will cause it to spread. Why ruin the magical setup you’ve got going right now? Maybe you decide it’s more cost-effective to move in. Then what happens? Eventually you start to marvel at all the new ways you can mask your growing discontent. Mumbling obscenities under your breath, praying for a magical end to it all, willing yourself to not murder him in his sleep, have all your once personal belongings meld into his, to the point that everything becomes “ours.” Then the day when you finally have the energy to leave, you’ll spend the same length of time that you lived together deciphering who bought each and every plant and record and couch cushion. I swear next time I live with a guy I am showing up in a loin cloth, with my dog and my laptop.
Listen, if you do decide to move in together, just please live alone with your boyfriend. Do not live with a third party. That shit is right up there with people who take a crap with the door open or talk on their phones in the checkout line at the grocery store. Messy as hell. Hope that helps…whatever.
Q: Hey bitch, I have a boyfriend who basically treats me like garbage. He has cheated on me repeatedly, with my friends even, but I can’t seem to find a way to ever break up with him because it’s been 2 years (my longest relationship). Am I crazy for sticking it out?
A: Hey Rihanna, yes, you are crazier than cat crap because that is some fuckery. Speaking of cats, when I was a kid we had a cat named Sammy. He was sweet as a kitten, used to be open to cuddling and affection at all hours of the day. Over time he started getting more and more despondent and irritable. He would literally come across the room just to fucking scratch my face because I dared glance in his direction. My mom started letting him out of the house ALL OF THE TIME, for what I think was in hopes that he would decide to never come back. When I’d ask about him she would just say “Sammy is an outside cat now“. Actually made the situation worse. He came back each time crazier than before; like Pet Cemetary. To be honest we probably should’ve taken a more proactive approach to seeing his end—would’ve saved a lot of scars. Anyways, listen I’m not telling you to poison your bf, but definitely dump him or something because he sounds a lot like an outside cat. You’re in what I like to call “Messy Love”. By sticking it out with the dude simply because you’ve been together so long, you’re sending a clear message that you’re willing to overlook his dickhead ways to avoid being alone. Put him out and stop checking on him, maybe someone else will be crazy enough to pick him up. It worked for Sammy.
