GAYLETTER

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

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Hi Bitch, I’ll put it right out there, I’m a whore. I make a living dancing at a bar and sometimes tricking. Let me give you some back story. I moved to NYC to become an actor and model. I’m still working at it, but it’s tough. I worked as a waiter for a while, but found that I could make much more money as a hustler. Besides I love sex, and now I get paid for it! Anyway I’ve just met this guy and I really like him. He knows I’m an actor, but knows nothing about my “other” career. When do you think I should tell him? We’ve been dating for like 2 months.

Hey prostitution whore, Yes! I live for sordid messy ass questions like this. Is the guy you’re seeing blind? Dumb? I can’t believe he hasn’t even noticed you only pay in $1’s, but first things first…Remember in Pretty Woman, when Vivian goes shopping on Rodeo Drive and the bitchy salesgirls won’t let her buy anything from that sad boutique: “you’re obviously in the wrong place”? Was that Talbots? With that Chilis Bar & Grill decor? Fucking bitches. Anyways, she’s clearly a whore, so they won’t let her touch anything. Once she goes back to the hotel and gives this big sob job to the hotel manager, they take her back and give her everything she wants. When you find the right moment to come clean to the guy you’re seeing (let’s call him Edward), you can do what Vivian, or any enterprising young professional would do in a pinch, upsell! You can tell him how being a hooker is the oldest profession in the world, so you’re basically like a Freemason! Tell him you’re really good at it even. You know what they say: It ain’t trickin’ if you got it!

Ok but real talk now. What kind of business model are you even operating under? You can’t really claim to ever be independent. How are you supposed to be vertically integrated while you’re only ever horizontal? The best advice I have for you: Quit the tricking. Don’t quit it for Edward, quit it for yourself.  If you decide to stay a ho, at least always remember that kissing is extra.

Dear Bitch, I have an unusual problem, but I know I’m not the only one. I have what most would consider a very small penis. It works, it’s just small. Like 2-3 inches, hard. I’m a very muscular, attractive guy, I’m just wondering when do you think I have to disclose that I have a small dick? I’ve experienced guys being disappointed upon discovering the size of it in the past and it’s extremely awkward. Now I’ve decided I just won’t sleep with a guy until he starts to like me. Is that unfair? Aghh I don’t know what to do.

Hey small balls, now there’s a concept! Waiting to sleep with someone until they like you. Groundbreaking sessions taking place today ya’ll. I’ll keep this short and sweet (ow ow ow!). You don’t need to discuss your micro machine with anyone right off the bat for several reasons. First off, that’s a fucking weird thing to do. Secondly, you seem like a sensitive kind of guy, so maybe the kind of person that would only date you based on the size of your pink eraser wouldn’t be the best match, regardless of your disclosure.

On a personal level I can’t really relate to your predickament (ow ow ow!), but my best advice to you would be to ignore the concern and go with the flow. It’s just an extension of you, so focus on all the other great parts you’ve got. Whatever you do though, do NOT do massive muscle training to enhance your other areas. Nothing makes a dude’s mozzarella stick look smaller than a huge body surrounding it. There’s nothing scarier than a dude that looks like a pre-op Chyna with something to prove. Hope this helps! I’m gonna go eat some mozzarella sticks now…

Freak of the Week