GAYLETTER

So I’ve been receiving these emails, private messages, text messages, prayers, etc asking all kinds of trifling questions about sex and dating. But bitch, can I just tell you about some shit that’s been going on in my life? So one night I’m peacefully sleeping in bed next to the guy I’m seeing.  Let’s call him “The Dick” (more on that later).

We left the window wide open because the weather was just so blissful that evening. At around 7 am, a fucking pigeon from hell flies into my room squawking and body slamming into literally everything of value in my room, like Amanda Bynes in the MAC store.

And I love Amanda Bynes. I hate pigeons. But not as much as I hate feathers, which were fucking everywhere. (It reminded me of one of my only 3 friends in 4th grade, Lindsey Silberman; she who would pick up feathers off the ground during recess and put them in her hair like it was the look.)

Anyways, The Dick wakes up and looks at me like it was my pet pigeon that was acting up. I guess at some point during the commotion, The Dick decides he’s done brainstorming with me on how to solve this issue, and he’d rather just go pee, and leaves me to take care of the situation. This motherfucker literally saunters back into the room five minutes later, while I am arduously coaxing this rat with wings out of my room with a coat hanger.  The Dick walks calmly over to MY bed un-phased, puts the covers over his head, and attempts to go back to sleep while this devil bat is flailing across my room rearranging all my furniture.

Needless to say, after a few minutes of the pigeon banging head first into the glass I got the flying monkey rat out. And the guy too. Anyway, my point is, I am so done with people and animals this week. But, by all means, ask me some fucking questions….

Q: Hey Bitch! I wanna ask you what to do with this EXTREMELY hot as fuck individual. He is 18 years older than me (I’m 20) and he works in the same hotel as I do, only in different department. He always wears his bitch face and and an awesomely tailored suit, and walks around like he is the baws or something. What can I say, that’s my thing. So should I shoot just tell him how I feel, or give him a couple hints and wait for him to make a move? Any ideas? helpmepls!

A: Hey Daddy Chaser, I suggest you two just get a room upstairs, bust open some Alize, light a Yankee Candle, and put on this beautiful ballad. Let Ratchet Celine Dion sing everything you can’t say!

Q: Hi Bitch, so I’ve been hopelessly single for the last four years. I go out like any normal person would, I try to date, all in all I’m “in the game”. But I have the worst luck. Either, guys end up being dicks, crazy, some mixture of the two, or I’m just annoyed by everyone. I recently hooked up with someone who falls below my standards just because I needed to feel better about myself, but it made me feel worse about the whole situation. Is NYC hopeless, or am I?

A: HEY TWIN, No seriously, am I talking to myself? To answer your question: No, you are not hopeless. You’re just looking at this all wrong. Turn EVERYTHING into a game. Go on dates freely, because it’s like mental gymnastics. Sometimes it’s not even about the conversation, sometimes I literally just go on them so I don’t have to eat alone.

A year ago, I went on my first and worst OKCUPID date ever to this really nice restaurant. To be fair we were there on account of a Groupon, so naturally we were both out of our element.  He was a “comedy writer” which on paper sounds like a dream, but somehow in person he told the world’s worst jokes, didn’t get any of mine, booty looked like a sock full of nickels, and he had a huge nose. Huge. And I’m obsessed with big noses, can’t get enough of dreamy Sean Penn-esque noses. This guy’s nose on the other hand looked less like a really cute Muppet, and more like one of the weird and more obscure Muppets that are really trying to look like actual humans, like The Swedish Chef.

Anyways, his breath smelled like wet dog but I went on 3 dates with him because meeting new people is good exercise, and a necessary practice to avoid becoming a complete misanthropic shut in. It’s like a game of chicken, between yourself and your better judgement.

Dates are like money. In business, you have to have money to make money. Go on as many dates with as many freaks as possible, guys can smell it on you, trust. Also it’s great experience, and if anything, it’ll wear down your senses enough so that when you finally do meet your 6 you’ll hallucinate a 12!

No but really, keep it up. Everyone is good at something. No one is good at everything. And no one is good at relationships. So, go nuts.

FREAK OF THE WEEK

This week’s freak is former good boy Shia Lebouf, circa November 4, 2007. On that date at 3 AM a security guard asked LaBeouf to leave a Chicago Walgreens (swoon).  After refusing to do so LaBeouf was arrested for misdemeanor criminal trespassing (double swoon). The criminal charges would later drop on December 12, 2007, along with thousands of boners. Still, we’ll always have our memories with this ridiculous stoner mugshot.