GAYLETTER

Listen I know I missed last week, but a bitch has been crazy busy. Eating.

Last summer I was dating this handsome Italian dude who happened to be an identical twin. His twin also just happened to be gay.  OBSESSED. I just love when things like this happen, it’s like the gay equivalent of winning the lottery or finding a unicorn in real life.

Am I the only one that is totally intrigued by twins? Did they always know the other was gay? Can they sense when each other is having sex?

More time than I should admit was spent googling “identical twin penises” that summer, because I mean, are they the same? To be honest, I never got a real solid answer to that one. Just tons of links to weird wiki answer threads by weirdos talking about how they hooked up with identical twins at the same time. No judgement, but I really feel the kind of person that has the time to sit on a message board and go off about how they had sex with twins, is probably a virgin. (Because what I’m doing is SO much more high brow right?)

Anyways, so we’re seeing each other for like two months and everything is going well. One night I am on a train to Greenpoint, and I randomly spot him on the other end of the car with two of his friends.  I walk over and give that awkward “caught off guard on the train, grocery store, or urinal” greeting like I do anytime that I see anyone in public. He literally just stared at me. No joke, we just looked at each other for the longest 60 seconds, until we both figured out that he was in fact, the twin brother. We laughed, I ran.

I immediately texted the original twin about the run in and we had a good laugh. Then, floating on that rushed text wave of heady humor, I decided to tell him that his twin “looked really hot”, because you know, I initially thought it was him.  The mood immediately shifted and he just responded with: “That’s weird”. THINGS YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY TO A TWIN.

Our exchanges from then on were super awkward, kind of like if something dies in your apartment, but you cant find the smell so you’re not completely sure, and there’s no real way to be certain.  We never went on another date, so I guess something did die. My mom always tells me to try to take a lesson from every relationship in life.  The only thing I am taking from this experience is that when I see, or even THINK I see someone I am dating unexpectedly in public, run.

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Q: Hey Bitch, I am freaking out about the recent meningitis outbreaks that have been springing up in NYC. I have a boyfriend for two years now, and we are pretty open. We both promised not to makeout with anyone until we both get the meningitis vaccine. I trust him completely and know he will stay true to his word. The problem is that I am scared of needles, I hate them. My boyfriend even said he would consider breaking up with me if I do not get the vaccination, but I just hate needles. Am I being childish in this situation?

 A: Umm if you hate needles so much, how are you getting tested for STD’s? Girl, just bye.

Q: Hey Bitch, This question relates more to my friends than it does to dating, but here goes. I have a very hard time trusting my friends when it comes to boys I’m seeing. I guess we all have the same type. I’m hesitant to bring anyone I am seeing around them, because in the past they have stolen them away after a few drinks. I love my friends but my question is, is there a way to go about dating someone and introducing my friends to them without fear this will keep happening? I want both!

A: Sup Doormat, Ever seen Heathers? Just curious… Mean Girls? Just curious… Maury Povich?? I will keep this short and sweet. I’d tell you that gay males own the monopoly on behavior like this, or males in general, but it actually happens a lot amongst females too. Basically 90% of the dating market is saturated with creeps.  It’s like, you know how dogs immediately bug the fuck out and start chasing a bicycle the second one speeds by?  It’s like that. Even the dogs with leashes chase after anything shiny and moving. That’s unavoidable because some people have that innate mentality.

I’m trying to tell you that some people don’t change much in this respect. So I’d say that being a date-stealing whore is an intrinsic characteristic: regardless of the situation or circumstance, they will do what they want. If a guy you introduce to your friends can be so easily swayed after a few drinks, get real, he was never yours to begin with in the first place.

BUT, my grandma used to always say “The devil you know is better than the one you don’t”. So let’s turn this around: be grateful you see what’s happening in front of you. You can’t always change people’s behavior, but you can certainly change your reaction to them. Address the grievances you have withthese bitches your friends and take it from there. If they don’t curb that shit, then you cut them off. At the tip.

Or, don’t say anything and end up like this:

Your choice.

FREAK OF THE WEEK

This week’s freak is Lauryn Hill. THIS BITCH is looking like Clockwork Orange meets The Wiz meets Homie The Clown. Except in prison for tax evasion. Riddle me this though, with all this money she’s been withholding from the IRS, why’s there not one full length mirror in her entire house?

All my favorite rappers are dead and all my favorite divas are going to jail, I’m a mess about it. Did you hear Mary J Blige is also going in for the same reason now? At least they can be cell mates.

They can have an in house prison theatre production of Chicago starring Lauryn Hill as Roxie Hart, Mary J Blige as Velma Kelly, Ja Rule as lawyer Billy Flynn, and Martha Stewart reprising the role of Matron Mama Morton, a character made famous by Queen Latifah. Now I kind of want to go to prison…