PHOTOGRAPHY BY GAYLETTER
A new remote-controlled prostate massager
Before we even get into the look and feel LELO’s latest buttplug, HUGO, let’s talk packaging. The box is embossed with subtle leather textures and bold silver lettering; a clear window through the front panel allows a view of HUGO’s clean contouring; and the back reads “for the most explosive orgasms known to man.” I could give this thing as a black-tie wedding present.
Inside, we have HUGO himself, his small remote companion, charging accessories, and instructions. The plug is sleek. A two pronged design covers inside and out alike, one end slipping in you while the other stimulates the gooch and balls. It’s all water-proof and you can charge it via USB, which is functional, if not slightly funny. I slept with it plugged into my computer, juicing shoulder to shoulder with my phone.
While I don’t totally understand the need for an external remote (pictured below), it’s certainly making writing this post a whole lot easier. Yes, HUGO is currently inside me. I’ve cranked him up almost as high he can go since the first sentence of this review. My morning orange juice is vibrating in my hand every time I take a sip.
Setting #1 is a constant, humming vibration. The lowest vibration is very gentle, the pressure from his shape more present that the whirring; the highest vibration makes it hard to fully focus my eyes. We’re talking dynamic range here, folks.
Setting #2 is an intense pulse, almost as if someone is turning him on and off inside me. I can feel my shoulders scrunching toward my ears. My lower jaw is slowly jutting out toward my computer screen.
Setting #3 is an increasingly aggressive pulse, faster still. This is when you’re warmed up and he’s done giving you the slow and deep. He’s trying to Fuck you. My leg is bouncing on the cross bar of my desk stool.
Oooooh wow! Setting #4 is a slow, mounting vibration, ebbing and flowing like a cresting wave. It’s calmer than the pounding #3. This one gives me a moment to think about the combination of sensations in my body. My breathing is steadily increasing.
Before I get to the next setting, I need to address this gooch stimulator. It keeps shifting to the inner crease of my thigh instead of pressing deeply into my perineum. It’s shaking my balls, which is kind of silly, but I wish it was slightly more flat so it would stay where I want it to. While it’s not detracting from my experience, I’d say this is where Hugo could use some work.
Setting #5 is a combination of #2 and #4, a rising vibration climaxing in a distinct pulse, over and over and over. There’s certainly some jaw clenching and pauses between my sentences at this point.
The remote control advertises a handsfree orgasm, but that isn’t what’s about to happen here. It has a confusing “sense motion” capability so I can change the intensity of vibration by tilting it one way or the other. I’m still getting the hang of it. I imagine that the remote aspect of the toy is designed for couple’s play.
As thoroughly alone as I currently am, HUGO is clearly a solid companion. Setting #4 and I are going to have a moment after I finish up this final sentence. byeeeeeeeeeee.