GAYLETTER

Where’s Auntie Glam’s accent from? Well, I wanted to do an accent that sounded fantasmatic — A fantasmatic accent, darling. I wanted something that was heightened and glorious. I wanted to emulate great, grand actresses of a certain age in a certain era. Just anything so I could have an opportunity to roll my tongue, darling.

It’s a little bit British but also a little transatlantic accent. Yes, well you know somebody who’s not really classy is going to try very hard to pretend they are.

How was Auntie Glam born? Well you know, darling, in the 89 to 90s I had a column in San Francisco called Glam on the Rampage where my character was Glamoretta Rampage. And Glamoretta Rampage covered the underground queer scene in San Francisco for the gay papers because in that time the gay papers there were relatively mainstream and I started writing about the queer kids and all the sort of shenanigans that was happening in the nightclubs. Then, when Kiki came along she got busy and moved to New York and just sort of forgot about me and left me back in San Francisco. At the time I was married to Elvis Herselvis, a lesbian Elvis impersonator. We went on Montel William’s show where the theme was Crossdressers Who Marry. It was very extravagant. A while ago, earlier this year Justin Vivian Bond was very tired, darling. She got very tired of talking about herself. She didn’t feel like leaving the house with the kittens. Instead, I said “send me, darling. I’d be happy to go.” So she pulled me out of the closet, dusted me off, and sent me on my way.

I think it was the right time for her to come out. As it turns out, my darling, it seems to have been.

Where did she get her cocktail making skills? As they say with cooking and drinking, anyone who can read can cook and anyone who can read can make a cocktail, darling. I just know what I like so I look it up and I get my measuring devices and I make a cocktail, darling. It’s not rocket science.

If you have the passion for it. [Laughs] I have a passion for it, darling. When the bars and restaurants reopen, I can certainly get a job as a bartender.

What’s her go-to cocktail? When it comes to my cocktails, I’m vers and I’m flex, darling, but it seems that gin is the drink of choice for your Auntie Glam. So far I’ve mostly made gin drinks for my happy hour. I made the Gin Daisy and a cucumber and elderflower gin cocktail. I did make a Sazerac the first week, because I do love anything with absinthe.

Is Auntie planning to leave the house of Whimsy when the quarantine is over? Yes of course, my darling. She’s unleashed me on the world and I’ll never go back again. I’ll kill her before she kills me this time.

Is Auntie Glam dating or looking? [Laughs] Well of course, darling. Your Auntie Glam isn’t dead, darling.

I wasn’t sure if Auntie was trying to keep it at home or trying to expand. Auntie Glam isn’t trying to expand badly. I’m not looking to have any children, darling. I wouldn’t mind having someone younger obviously.

Dates will be fun. I’m not particularly choosy, darling. Well I’m choosy, but I don’t have many limitations on what I find attractive you know.

You’d be surprised I’m sure the standards are going to go up after all this. Well, At this point just about anything would be up to my low double standards. I have to say during this quarantine, Angel, it’s been very difficult. Too much self love can lead to carpal tunnel!

Very difficult. We’re all going to get tired of dating ourselves. I feel like we’re one of those premature babies in one of those oxygen things where nobody can touch them, darling. I’m at a failure to thrive. I need affection. I need a touch.

What does Auntie Glam do when she’s not on camera. She’s pretending she’s in front of the camera performing. She has to put on shows for the kiddies.

What’s pissing off Auntie Glam right now? Oh, there’s nothing worth worrying about, darling. Worrying doesn’t solve problems. Obviously you can be pissed off at all kinds of things because there’s so many damn things going on in the world, but what can one do. You just have to have a drink and ride it out. Perhaps when we can leave our houses we might have to burn the White House down, darling. But for the time being we have to focus on staying alive and staying healthy. There’s plenty of time to commit murder.

What advice does Auntie Glam have for the young kids of this generation? Just keep trying to get older, I guess [laughs]. Just keep trying to get older, children. It’s inevitable that it will happen. So stay interested and stay curious and don’t worry about having too much fun, darling, you can never have too much fun. Don’t work too hard, don’t get too serious, don’t take life too seriously, darlings. When they tell you that you can walk out of your house make sure that the first place you go isn’t to work, darlings. Go say hello to somebody and do something fun. Don’t immediately leave your house and go to work. What a horrible thought that is.

That’s true, if it’s not fun then why bother. We’ve had all this time without work, certainly we can go another day or two where we are enjoying ourselves and perhaps we’ll never need to work again, darling! We can just restructure the whole scenario.

Auntie Glam photographed by Kyle Kupres at the House of Whimsy wearing a dress by JW Anderson, wig by Steven Perfidia and neck art by Granite Trudeaux.

Who would Auntie Glam love to do a duet with over Instagram? Wouldn’t that be fun! I’ve been talking about doing it with Christeene.

Oh that would be good. Yes, we’ve been thinking about doing something together.

Instagram splits the screen nicely between two people. Wouldn’t that be nice. I love Christeene but I certainly wouldn’t let her touch me, darling.

Christeene would be a nice touch. I’ve seen her pull her dildo in and out and put it in her mouth. She’s smart. Yes! It’s wonderful and as long as she’s putting it in her own mouth. You know it’s all wonderful to see Christeene in pictures, but standing next to her under the hot lights is a whole different story. It’s very visceral, the smell my darling, hello!

Her eyes are really bright. They are! She’s a wonderful bright-eyed girl, I’ll give her that.

Is auntie glam a pessimist or an optimist? An ever-so-much of an optimist, darling. I don’t have bad memories, darling!

When was the last time you were in NYC? Has she been to NYC? Well of course, darling, she’s been to New York City! She did an entire run of shows for Pride at Joe’s Pub in June, darling, singing all the disco hits.

Hopefully we can go see her again sometime live. Hopefully there will be another Pride, my angel.

Has Auntie Glam seen or talked to Justin Vivian Bond lately? Well you know, darling, of course. I know everything there is to know about her. I can tell you more than she would tell you about herself.

I mean they’re sharing The House of Whimsy. Yes, of course. She just sits and plays with the cats all day and I go get myself dressed up and I put on whatever needs to be done to keep this place running. She’s really turned into a slacker, but you know that’s fine. She basically has been social distancing and isolating for years, darling. Now she’s let me out and I can go and enjoy the world. It’s a treat! It’s divine.

It’s better than being alone, to have another friend. You think it’s better to be alone than have another friend?

I mean the opposite. Well, darling, say what you mean!

Especially when they’re both inside of you. Oh yes, you’re never alone when you have a bunch of different people inside of you. I’ve had many, many characters come inside me over the years.

What’s it like quarantining in Upstate New York? Well of course, if you like that sort of thing [nature]. You can go for a walk, you can go outside. I’m looking out the window and I can see flowers and I can see sunshine, but I haven’t left the house today. Why would I, darling, you can open the window if you want some fresh air. There aren’t comfortable couches in the yard.

I feel like Auntie is very set in her ways — that’s why we like her. Well that might be true, I don’t think of myself as set in my ways, but perhaps I am. I’m definitely set up!

I think it’s more about how her brand is set, rather. She’s got a brand, darling? How marvelous!

This is how the new generation talks. I always hear that talking about branding and, darling, when I hear about a brand I think of a corporation, angel. That’s why I say don’t go to work go have fun. Set your brand aside and go out and enjoy yourself. Discover something new — discover someone else’s brand, look around!

We have an interview here. Oh wonderful, darling! Do we think I came across well?

Darlings! Be sure to tune into Auntie Glam’s Live Scream Happy Hour from the House of Whimsy on Thursdays at 5:00PM ET on Instagram @mxviv or go to justinvivianbond.com. Oh one more thing darlings, don’t forget to use your plastics.