GAYLETTER

Where to start? Firstly, last night’s Oscars was one of the weirdest we’ve ever seen. It was like the bizarro Oscars. And it officially sealed the deal on our dislike of Seth Macfarlane. His jokes were lame, misogynistic and not very clever. The whole thing felt very surreal, almost cynical. But we’re not here to talk about the show, let’s get straight to the looks.

We asked illustrator Devin Wallace to draw some of the most memorable moments of the night. He didn’t illustrate any of the men because most of them looked the same — white men wearing the usual Oscar uniform of a black tuxedo, nothing new, some fit, some didn’t, blah, blah blah.

At least Tarantino was wearing a leather tie, but that’s still not interesting enough for us to show. So on to the ladies!

First off — K-Stewart? Apparently she cut her foot on some glass earlier that day (sounds shady) which is why she needed the crutches. When she walked out on stage with Harry Potter, limping with messy hair, our first thought was that her and Potter had clearly just had some rough sex on top of a sound board backstage. Girl even had a bruise on one arm. The Reem Acra gown is pretty though. Very expected,  but on trend for the night — being strapless and all.

Then there was Anne Hathaway. Apparently her pale pink PRADA gown was not her first choice. How’d it end up on your body then Anne? You’re going to the Academy Awards, not the day time Emmy’s — bitch use your clout to get something special, who was styling you last night, Bai Ling? Actually that’s an insult to Bai Ling. At least she would have pulled out something a little more exciting. It was just so plain, and unflattering, making your titties look all flat. We expected more from the Princess of Genovia. We really did.

We ain’t got a bad word to say about Jennifer Lawrence, classy and timeless all the way in her Dior Haute Couture gown. She even made tripping up those stairs look good. The dress is not my favorite (was she trying to smuggle Mexican immigrants into the auditorium under that giant gown) but she’s 22 and pretty, so it worked. When you’re 22 and pretty, you can wear anything. Jennifer could make a Wendy Pepper dress look good. Jennifer could rock a FUPA, tittie wedgie and camel toe and still be on a couple of best dressed lists.

Nothing but love for this cockney bitch. Keep doing what you’re doing Adele, you thick diva — looking all glamorous in your Jenny Packham gown. 

Really not into this hair. I like the Dior Haute Couture gown, but this middle aged lesbian cropped look, is not how I like to see Charlize Theron. I know she’s giving us extra face with this hair-do, but it’s just so severe. She has the rest of her life to rock “low maintenance” hair. Save it for the farmers market, not the Oscars. Kudos for representing the lesbian community since we didn’t get to see Jodie — she was probably at the Vanity Fair party asking people to respect her privacy.

Shirley Bassey. More like Shirley Badass! We wanted to Goldfinger ourselves after hearing her belt out that tune. She sang it with such force you forgot she was 76 years old. Dress by Versace.