GAYLETTER

Listen I know I missed last week, but a bitch has been crazy busy. Eating.

Last summer I was dating this handsome Italian dude who happened to be an identical twin. His twin also just happened to be gay.  OBSESSED. I just love when things like this happen, it’s like the gay equivalent of winning the lottery or finding a unicorn in real life.

Am I the only one that is totally intrigued by twins? Did they always know the other was gay? Can they sense when each other is having sex?

More time than I should admit was spent googling “identical twin penises” that summer, because I mean, are they the same? To be honest, I never got a real solid answer to that one. Just tons of links to weird wiki answer threads by weirdos talking about how they hooked up with identical twins at the same time. No judgement, but I really feel the kind of person that has the time to sit on a message board and go off about how they had sex with twins, is probably a virgin. (Because what I’m doing is SO much more high brow right?)

Anyways, so we’re seeing each other for like two months and everything is going well. One night I am on a train to Greenpoint, and I randomly spot him on the other end of the car with two of his friends.  I walk over and give that awkward “caught off guard on the train, grocery store, or urinal” greeting like I do anytime that I see anyone in public. …

So my ex-boyfriend was really weird. He had this problem with sleepwalking. Sleepwalking is strange to me, because people are never actually doing anything particularly exciting or sexy when it’s happening. He would do things like end up at the kitchen table eating Captain Crunch at 5 am, or just make weird disjointed statements about his laundry. At least try to initiate sex or burn the house down. Nothing thrilling happens. Even when he was wide awake in broad daylight he would do dumb things like dilute his orange juice with water, put pictures on his walls with thumb tacks like he was 12, and cheat on me. Totally annoying.

At the tail end of our three years together, we got into a huge fight one night and both went to sleep angry (I hate that). Around 4 am, as-per-usual, he wakes up for one his sleepwalk spells to wander the house and talk about linens. This time though, he walked squarely over to his closet, opened the door, pulled out his dick and started peeing in his bin of dirty laundry.

Part of me wanted to yell out to him to stop. Then this realization of how much I actually grown to dislike this person just washed over me.Too tired to laugh, I just pulled the covers over my head and went back to sleep.

I broke up with him before that week was up, and I never told him about what happened that night. I always will remember him walking around for god knows how long in pissy gear, not knowing what I (and now all of you) know. …

So I’ve been receiving these emails, private messages, text messages, prayers, etc asking all kinds of trifling questions about sex and dating. But bitch, can I just tell you about some shit that’s been going on in my life? So one night I’m peacefully sleeping in bed next to the guy I’m seeing.  Let’s call him “The Dick” (more on that later).

We left the window wide open because the weather was just so blissful that evening. At around 7 am, a fucking pigeon from hell flies into my room squawking and body slamming into literally everything of value in my room, like Amanda Bynes in the MAC store.

And I love Amanda Bynes. I hate pigeons. But not as much as I hate feathers, which were fucking everywhere. (It reminded me of one of my only 3 friends in 4th grade, Lindsey Silberman; she who would pick up feathers off the ground during recess and put them in her hair like it was the look.)

Anyways, The Dick wakes up and looks at me like it was my pet pigeon that was acting up. I guess at some point during the commotion, The Dick decides he’s done brainstorming with me on how to solve this issue, and he’d rather just go pee, and leaves me to take care of the situation. This motherfucker literally saunters back into the room five minutes later, while I am arduously coaxing this rat with wings out of my room with a coat hanger.  …

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

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Q: Hey Bitch, my boyfriend goes to a school in another state, we’re in a long distance relationship and  he’s very old fashioned and monogamous. We’re taking separate Spring Breaks—he’s going to Florida, I’m going Berlin. Do I need to tell him that I’m going to fool around while away (I don’t think he’d like the idea) or just go for it, have fun and keep it my own little sexy secret?

A: Hey Spring Breaker,  “Sexy secret”… Jesus, take the wheel. Actually, Jesus be a tall glass of Jim Beam to get me through this fuckery. This question’s been sitting in my inbox for a few weeks now, because I’ve had a lot of shows to watch. Spring Break’s obviously come and gone, but I’m still going to talk my shit…

Short and sweet: You’re a real mess. What you need to do is take all that money you’re saving for your European sex tour and just go down to Ft Lauderdale on a dime to be with your kin—hanging out of the sunroof of a Honda Del Sol, making booty calls on your Metro PCS phone, pussy popping without a purpose. You’d probably join a wet tee shirt contest for a free month’s supply of Ramen, huh? …

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

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Hi Bitch, I’ll put it right out there, I’m a whore. I make a living dancing at a bar and sometimes tricking. Let me give you some back story. I moved to NYC to become an actor and model. I’m still working at it, but it’s tough. I worked as a waiter for a while, but found that I could make much more money as a hustler. Besides I love sex, and now I get paid for it! Anyway I’ve just met this guy and I really like him. He knows I’m an actor, but knows nothing about my “other” career. When do you think I should tell him? We’ve been dating for like 2 months.

Hey prostitution whore, Yes! I live for sordid messy ass questions like this. Is the guy you’re seeing blind? Dumb? I can’t believe he hasn’t even noticed you only pay in $1’s, but first things first…Remember in Pretty Woman, when Vivian goes shopping on Rodeo Drive and the bitchy salesgirls won’t let her buy anything from that sad boutique: “you’re obviously in the wrong place”? Was that Talbots? With that Chilis Bar & Grill decor? Fucking bitches. Anyways, she’s clearly a whore, so they won’t let her touch anything. …

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

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Hey Bitch, I am in a predicament of sorts. I was seeing this guy for about 3 months, and we made some… movies together. Well, we recently ended it, and it wasn’t on the best of terms. We have a lot of friends in common, and now I’m a bit concerned about where these videos might end up… The weird thing is that this is not the first time this has happened. I have been filmed numerous times during sex, and probably have at least ten floating around out there. Should I stop? How many sex tapes crosses the line into “not normal” in your opinion?

Hey Simon Rex, Well, you’re in a fucking pickle aren’t you? You should probably never film a sex tape.

I think that’s like part of the D.A.R.E. program these days, or basic sex ed curriculum in elementary school since the 90’s. I even think my first camera phone came with specific instructions to NOT film a sex tape. Dirty pictures I can understand of course, those are a necessary evil in many cases, but there’s nothing quite as embarrassing as a moving picture. I will never fully understand why people film sex tapes this deep in the game. …

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

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Hey Bitch, I have strong feelings towards my friend, like really, really strong. But I feel he’s too good looking for me and probably not interested. This happens to me a lot actually. My question is, do I make a move and if so, how do I do it? Halp!

Hey Jennifer Aniston, a very wise Carribean crab once said: “It don’t take a word, not a single word, go on and kiss the girl.” Make the move. Now, a simpler person might immediately suggest full on makeover to attract this guy, but I think this is more complex than that. If you’re anything like me, still waiting on that tax refund and can’t quite afford an upgrade to bad bitch status, try overcompensating with making bolder moves. For instance, have you tried grabbing his dick yet? Try that. Still feeling too basic? Turn out the lights when you grab his dick.

In all honesty, I find that the people that have the most rewarding dating pursuits in life are those that give the least amount of fucks. It’s a goal, really. I went on a few dates once with this dude that used to stare himself down in the reflection of any and every reflective surface, like he wanted to fuck himself. …

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

Q: Hey Bitch, I’m a girl, and my boyfriend has so many gay friends; works in fashion, is well groomed, but still seems to enjoy fucking me. I always have an inkling that he might be gay though? I get a weird vibe when he is around his friends, but maybe he’s just very comfortable. How do I know for sure?

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer the most pressing questions on the minds of our readers. Send yours to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

Q: Hey Bitch, I’m dating a guy who wants to have a threesome to live out his fantasy of double penetrating a guy (me). I’m scared, how should I tell him I don’t want to do it? I don’t want him to think I’m boring and stop seeing me.

A: Sup Slut Pig, Have you ever seen The Human Centipede? Neither have I, but that freaky deaky shit sounds an awful lot like The Human Centipede. Who the fuck is your boyfriend? A mad scientist? Do you have a picture of him? Listen, the sex world in 2013 is the same shit. Everyone trying to pull all these sassy ass stunts to prove they aren’t boring. You know what’s actually sexy in 2013? Normality. Like, different isn’t even exciting anymore, I want to see more normal shit. That gets me hot. It’s kind of like new gadgets being invented today. Nothing actually worthwhile gets invented these days, because if it’s any good someone’s already thought of it or ruined it for everyone (thanks 10 year olds with Grindr).

Does your mad scientist bf think he’s like cornering the market on double penetration?? …