GAYLETTER

Hi, Hello! It’s Wednesday and there is a brand new party! It’s in Brooklyn, but get over it! We think this one is worth it.“The Party by OSTBAHNHOF is an international party series inspired by the zero-fucks-given Berlin party and performance art scene. Resurrecting the prolific Vaudevillian/Cabaret acts of yesteryear combined with elements of rave culture (namely, really fucking good House music). The Party brings Berlin’s nightlife to NYC. Kicking off its U.S. premiere with an exclusive preview at Williamsburg’s venerable underground music spot Verboten. The inaugural night features the vile beauty of radical drag queen Olympia Bukkakis, the audio-visual kinetic sensations of BLÆNK MINDS, and much more.”

 
Verboten is cute, the bouncer there let me keep my fake i.d. a while back, which was nice, and I saw a lot of straight men later, but I digress… don’t be like me, bring proper identification! Buy your ticket and bring whatever you deem necessarily to party correctly because “The Party by OSTBAHNHOF is “queer” in the modern definition of the term… designed for anyone who is open to discovering their weirdness and is mutually respecting of others’. Whether you identify as LGBT or straight, this party brings all sexual orientations together. Why stratify when we can unify?” YAS. KWEEN. This party is clearly not exclusive. Come as whoever the fuck you want. That is so important and can’t be stressed enough. That really should be every party’s motto and come to think of it, I’m not really sure why it’s not, but The Party is a fabulous place to start. …

Every time I have a planned date with a guy I already internalize that we’re going to be a couple. I asked this guy out on a date and he said yes. By all means, that’s a success story in my book — I wasn’t rejected and he’s someone I like. A few days after the confirmation of the date (just a yes, no set date for the date), I go on Manhunt, because it’s a forced habit of mine that I refuse to give-up, plus it’s also fun to see who among your gay acquaintances posted nude photos of themselves. I see the guy I asked out on a date on Manhunt, I become irrationally devastated. I have no right to feel this way, but I’m an emotional asylum, so bare with me. I basically went through the stages of death: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, but minus the bargaining and acceptance.

I did something I swore to myself I’d never do again, I catfished. I created a profile using the photos of some random Asian celebrity, because it’s so easy to do and the only people who know it’s fake are other Asian guys with fake profiles. I messaged him and he replied within a few minutes, I should also note that it took him a couple days to reply to my non-catfish profile from another website. I asked him if he had any dates lined-up, and he said “no.” My inner monologue was “Fuck me! …

Where is Carmen Sandiego and why has she taken your future boyfriend with her?

In the words of Lilly Allen, It’s hard out here for a bitch. Finding a boyfriend in this day and age is like looking for sobriety in a Lady Gaga performance… actually that’s worse, because I have at least had a boyfriend before, but I’ve never not smelled a whiff of weed coming through my computer screen watching Gaga withering around the floor pretending she went to art school. Sometimes it seems you turn on Grindr and you see the same 20 guys you saw last week (aghh get off my phone BottomBearDad). Well, fret no more for I have found the solution! Eligible gays are out there on all fours looking for you in the daytime with a flashlight. You’ve just been searching in the wrong places!  They are hidden among the straight men. I kid you not, the places you’ve been avoiding due to the plethora of straight men (and their crazy straight girlfriends) are where all the eligible gays are hiding out. Below is our guide to finding a man in all the wrong places.

Canal Bar

You might assume this bar is just for sports fanatics looking for an extensive draft list and a TV. Well, you know what happens when you assume…. there’s an ass and there’s u and me, but neither of us gets it… I have no idea what I just said, but the point is don’t assume! …

Dear Bitch, I have a very BIG issue. I’ve been dating my dear boyfriend for over a year now. I love him dearly. He is the sweetest man I have ever, and probably will ever, date. He would do anything to make me happy. All I want is the same for him. However, somewhere down the road, I’ve lost my sexual desire for him. Our sex life has gone downhill and I don’t know what to do. He gets me off and I have no desire to get him off and I feel like a terrible person. We never fuck each other because he doesn’t like it and I think this may be why the sex has fizzled. How many times can we 69? I don’t know what to do. I feel like I can’t picture my life without him but at the same time, am fantasizing about sex with other men constantly. I feel like I’m leading a fake relationship or something is missing. Please help.

Dear Scissor Sister, I know what you mean, 69’ing can lose its lustre prettttty quickly if it’s a 24/7 affair. Have you tried role playing? One of my friends once dated a dude who always liked to be undressed like some big baby, and acted all infant-y. In technical fetish terminology, “paraphilic infantilism“, but I refer to it as “really fucked”. They only dated like 1 month, but in baby years who knows how long that is…  Anyways, my point is that if you’re already leading a fake relationship, may as well lead a fake sex life as well, no? …

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

Yes, I realize it’s been a real minute since I last updated you all. I’ve been so distracted by the typical Summer fuckery that’s it’s been hard to pin down just one thing to bitch about. And I know it’s not just me. An entire city’s vision gets a little hazy with the endless barrage of BBQ/cigarette/illegal smoke sitting on top of us all for 4 months. Sweaty bodies at endless parties, fogged up eyewear from long humid days that roll into long humid nights. Guys appeared hotter than they were because I think I was looking through a salt water filter for most of it. I don’t think anyone was thinking straight for most of August anyways. This summer I have eaten my weight in Cheez Its (really pushing for a sponsorship), floated in the ocean week after week petrified by a morbid fear of being stung by jellyfish (basically spiteful plastic sandwich bags full of venom), on and off dated a waiter/actor (I know right) that may or may not be a compulsive liar (more on that to come). Each morning I’d lie in bed staring at my ceiling while my entire bed vibrates with the buzz of my insane landlady blasting someone named Daddy Yankee while cleaning her Mazda outside my window. …

No point beating around the bush. We were curious, so we asked the experts what happens to your noggin when you’re smoking weed? First up the definitive source for everything, Wikipedia: “The effects of cannabis are caused by chemical compounds in cannabis, including cannabinoids such as tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). Cannabis has both psychological and physiological effects on the human body. Five European countries, Canada, and twenty US states[1] have legalized medical cannabis if prescribed for nausea, pain or the alleviation of surrounding chronic illness.

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In large enough doses THC can induce auditory and visual hallucination but it would require massive amounts of cannabis (nearly an ounce of hashish) to induce full blown hallucinatory effects. Acute effects while under the influence can include both euphoria and anxiety.[2][3] Concerns have been raised about the potential for long-term cannabis consumption to increase risk for schizophrenia, depersonalization disorder, bipolar disorders, and major depression, however studies are inconclusive [4][5] and the ultimate conclusions on these factors are disputed.[6][7][8][9] The evidence of long-term effects on memory is preliminary and hindered by confounding factors.[10][11] For thousands of years people have believed that cannabis has religious and spiritual effects.”

If all that nerd talk put you to sleep here’s a helpful video that breaks it all down, with visuals to make it even easier…especially if you’re totally baked.

  …

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

Q: Hi Bitch, I have been on a few dates with this cute 26 year old guy I met recently. He’s cute, charming, and I think things are going well. Recently though, I brought him back to my apartment for the first time after a really great evening out. Things were going so well, I was sure we’d continue to have a great time now that I got him up to my apartment. After a few minutes of being in my apartment however, he began making comments about how he felt my home was “so gay”. He began poking fun at everything from my itunes music library (Kylie, Miley, etc), to my bedspread, to a harmless chalk drawing above my bed of a man in a suit dancing. I guess I was a little taken aback by this, and lost any desire to hook up that evening, though I still did. The weird thing is, he plays a totally submissive role in bed. I’ve been on two dates with him since, but now I’m noticing more and more things that are irking me about him. He makes fun of gays that wear tank tops, refuses to drink any alcohol but beer, and he says he still makes out with girls “occasionally”. …

Yahoo answers just not cutting it? Your Mom is not coming through with the right advice? Do you have a burning dating or sex question you desperately need an answer to? Well, just Ask A Bitch. The bitch will answer all your pressing questions. Send them to: askabitch@gayletter.com Take it away bitch.

When I am bored on my morning subway commute, often I’ll play “The Train Game” with myself.  It’s a very easy game: In the event that the train derails, or the tunnel somehow caves in, and you’re stuck in this vessel for some unforeseeable future, who would you do?  Or I suppose there doesn’t have to necessarily be some cataclysmic disaster that takes place at all, really. Not all trains are created equal unfortunately, so it’s really un-fun playing it on the A train at rush hour, unless you’re particularly attracted to dregs of the universe. The game is not quite “Would You Rather” (death or some other fate worse than that isn’t really an option as a way out in this game). You have to choose someone, I guess it’s more just about fucking with your own mind.

Anyways, here’s an interesting one to think about:

If your whole train was just random dudes from ABC’s original TGIF line up, who would you do?

They have all had longer relationships than you, unparalleled adoration, and have never had to take the subway a day in their lives. If that doesn’t totally bum you out, then let’s get right to this week’s questions…

Q: Hi Bitch, so I’m black (half Asian). …

Q: Hello sir, I grew up in a really traditional family (we went to church on weekdays!) I’m excited about the whole end of DOMA etc, but still, even now in my late 20’s I find it hard sometimes to feel proud of being gay. It’s like I was in a cult for 18 years, and now that I’m away from that world, I’m happier, but still can’t completely shake some of the things I was taught — that I’m going to hell, that gay sex is unnatural. Any advice to get over those feelings?

 
A: Hey Clay Aiken, Sir? No, please, call me Bitch. You sound like a real sweetheart. Self loathing is a real bitch, huh? Like, a legitimate bitch. Not a snarky, witty bitch with funny quips here and there. Just a really lame, shitty fucking bitch. Self hatred is like the close cousin of that one completely useless emotion: worry. When have you ever used worry to command positive change to your surroundings, situation, or yourself? Yet it’s the most overused emotion. Like most other “young adults” I worry about bills, sex, my tone in text messages. In the end, I know that it’s all going to be OK because I am not a complete moron. The bills will get paid, sex might happen, and I will never really know how to use text messages for anything positive. It gets (sort of) better.

My only solution to offer you is: Going forward, do not waste any amount of time worrying yourself with others opinions, especially those who think you’re going to hell regardless. …

Last week my very first piece of real hate mail, from an ex, was passed onto me. I feel so official! I’d say let’s celebrate by diving right in and seeing everything he had to say, but I’ll save you the headache of looking over crazy person chicken scratch and just show you the choice bits.

“I wanted to write to say congrats. It’s amazing to see how this whole thing has grown. I just moved back to NYC, but even while I was gone I’d still read GAYLETTER every week.

Ask a Bitch is really amusing. But I confess, I find it pretty devoid of meaning, so much so that my views tend to be the polar opposite of the columnist. He’s kind of funny, in a way. But I definitely can’t relate.

I did however relate to the ex-boyfriend he described in #8 though. The description of him reminded me of myself in my mid-twenties. I didn’t put things on my walls with thumb tacks though (I just used double-sided tape)…

One thing in the description was exactly true for me though. I did cheat on the guy I was dating during that time. It was the only time in my life I’ve ever cheated on someone, and I really regret it. Because I should’ve just left him. Instead I stayed with a guy I didn’t love out of guilt and the fear of being alone. 

But anyway, if that relationship taught me anything, it was that if I must be lonely, I think I’d rather be alone. …